A covert narcissist, sometimes referred to as a vulnerable narcissist, is a subtler version of the typical grandiose narcissist. A covert narcissist is more introverted and, therefore, it can be so much easier to fall victim to their passive-aggressive tactics.
It’s important to remember that narcissists typically develop from childhood trauma or abuse, so instead of thinking that they are all evil, please try to have compassion. By compassion, I mean understanding why they are the way that they are, but taking off and running if you are thinking about jumping into a relationship with one.
The truth is, whether a narcissist or a covert narcissist, they still lack empathy and are super sensitive to any form of criticism that comes their way. So, it’s best to distance yourself from these individuals, especially in the dating world.
So, let’s dive into some signs and traits of a covert narcissist so that you can determine if the person you are in a relationship with is one or maybe if you yourself are one.
Let’s find out, shall we?
What Is a Covert Narcissist?
We all know the people who think the world revolves around them, right? I mean, every teenager thinks that way, so don’t determine that your teen is a narcissist just yet anyway, but I’m really just talking about adults.
A narcissist is a person who is entitled, lacks empathy, and just has to be the center of attention. But what about the subtler version?
The more subtle version is called a covert narcissist and can sometimes be more dangerous because you may not realize it until it’s too late and you’re three years into marriage with a child on your hip and one more on the way.
So, what is a covert narcissist, then?
A covert narcissist is one of the quiet, passive-aggressive types of narcissists. They want to be the center of attention, but they will act like they don’t and secretly grin ear-to-ear when they are front and center.
Some call this type of narcissist a vulnerable narcissist or an introverted narcissist.
Most of the time, the covert narcissist will have lower self-esteem and image but still do the gaslighting, projecting, blaming, and other forms of manipulation that are typical of traditional overt narcissists.
What Causes Someone To Become a Covert Narcissist?
Now that you know what a covert narcissist is, let’s look at what can cause them to become that way.
Typically, in childhood, a covert narcissist can develop one of two ways: either from neglect from one or both parents or overly being showered with praise and attention.
So, it can go either way. Children adapt to their home and environment the best way they can.
When children don’t receive the emotional and physical needs that they require, they learn to shut off certain aspects of themselves to cope or self-soothe.
So, for example, let’s say that a little girl grows up with an emotionally unavailable father. She craves his attention, and if she cries, he tells her to stop crying.
He won’t allow her to feel or talk about her emotions. He tells her to bottle them up and be a big girl. Well, when a child is emotionally neglected in such a way, they don’t learn how to regulate their emotions.
But the same can happen on the opposite end of the spectrum.
So, say you have a little boy who can do no wrong. He is showered with gifts, praise, and attention even when he doesn’t deserve it.
He is never taught right from wrong because he is often not disciplined for bad behavior. “Boys will be boys.” Or “It’s a good thing that you are so cute.”
While parents and grandparents may think that they are doing the best for the child by showing them so much affection, they are actually doing the child an injustice. This type of behavior teaches the child that they are entitled and more special than everyone else.
Also, suppose a child grows up with a narcissistic parent. In that case, they can either become one themselves or go the opposite direction and become codependent because of the constant people-pleasing that they had to do as a child to feel safe.
The same goes for children who have an intense fear of abandonment based on actual abandonment by one or both parents; these children can grow up to become narcissistic because they shut off their empathy to self-soothe. Or they can become codependent and extremely empathetic to others.
Typically, covert narcissists do have a deeply ingrained fear of abandonment, which is sad because they often push everyone away including anyone who tries to love them, because they simply aren’t capable of giving and receiving love properly since they didn’t learn to as a child.
What Are the Traits of a Covert Narcissist?
Some of the common traits include:
- Manipulation tactics
- Sense of entitlement
- Unexplained outbursts of anger
- Self-absorbed
- Grandiose sense of self but not outwardly shown (at least not at first)
- Projection and blaming
- Attention-seeking behavior
- Can’t take criticism
- Comes off as shy or withdrawn ( the silent type)
- Insecure
- Always appear to be stressed
- Put themselves down before you can
- Anxiety and depression are challenging
- All of their relationships are superficial or only to benefit themselves
- Paranoia
- Seek out empaths
- Can’t seem to hold a job for a very long
- Can’t see things from anyone else’s point of view
How to Spot One: Some Signs of a Covert Narcissist
The good news is that there are some ways that you can spot a covert narcissist.
Overly Critical but in a Passive-Aggressive Way
A covert narc uses passive-aggressive tactics. A big passive-aggressive tactic they like to use in relationships is the backhanded compliment. So, what sounds like a compliment will actually be an insult to you.
For example, they might say something like, “You look skinnier in that dress.” So does this imply that they think you look fat any other day?
Or maybe you made them dinner, and they said, “Wow, this actually tastes good.” So, they are implying that usually your dinners suck, right?
But if these types of backhanded comments are often, and you feel like this person is being overly critical of you, they may be a covert narcissist.
Lack of Empathy
One of the top signs of a covert narcissist is that they will lack empathy. They are not interested in anything but having their own needs met and don’t care who they run over in the process.
So, if you are in a relationship with someone who is demanding that you take care of their needs but can’t see that it is hard on you to keep up, then they may be a covert narcissist.
However, the lack of empathy will not stop in interpersonal relationships. A covert narcissist will have no empathy for other people, period.
Notice how they interact with their kids or children in general.
A covert narcissist will not be as outward as an overt narc, so they may show more subtle signs, but you can still tell when someone doesn’t have empathy for other human beings.
Skilled at Gaslighting
Gaslighting is the number one sign of a narcissist, as this is their favorite weapon. Covert narcissists use gaslighting to manipulate you into doubting your own sanity. This gives them a sense of control.
So, typically, gaslighting can sound like, “No, you are remembering that wrong; I didn’t say that.” ” You must be losing your mind. Find yourself a psychiatrist because it didn’t happen.”
You may actually start to question your own memory after a while, due to this type of narcissistic abuse.
Will Guilt-Trip
A covert narc will use guilt like a sword. Just like their passive-aggressiveness in other aspects, they will use passive-aggressive guilt-tripping techniques to make you feel bad for whatever they want you to feel bad for.
Another example of guilt-tripping behavior can be that they will convince you to apologize over and over.
Or they may remind you of all the recent favors they have been doing for you. Or maybe they say something to make you feel bad and then slip in a “just joking.”
See, narcissists will project their own issues onto others. So often, they will project in the form of guilt-tripping you. If someone is reminding you of your past transgressions repeatedly, they may be a covert narcissist.
Overly Concerned With This Public Image
Another trait to look out for is most covert narcs are overly concerned with their “image.”
They have that imaginary audience we all had in high school. Remember when everyone was looking at us holding hands in school with our boyfriend? Well, these people STILL think like that.
They may say something like, “Everyone will see me and think I am a fool for wearing a pink shirt at the grocery store.”
Or “You can’t go to the party with me dressed like that. People will think I associate with women with bad taste.”
Play the Victim
A covert narcissist will want to play the victim. This is how they will secretly get the attention that they crave.
People automatically respond with care and compassion to victims, and so will you until, after a while, you finally discover that they are most definitely NOT the victim; you are.
So, let’s assume you stand up to a covert narcissist about some of their awful behavior. They will turn it completely around and maybe even start crying and trying to get you to feel sorry for them.
They’ll say something like, “It’s not my fault I was abused as a child, and now I don’t know how to love properly.”
Or “I was hit when I was growing up by my big brothers, so I don’t mean to hit you. It’s just a knee-jerk reaction.”
Another way you can tell is if you have been in a relationship with this person for quite some time, they will bring up the past in your face every time.
So, they’ll say, “Don’t you remember when you gave your phone number to that guy on the bus 11 years ago? I’m still hurt over that, and that is why I acted out and stayed the night with this other girl.”
As you can see, they will take zero responsibility and instead turn the tables and play the victim card.
Exploit and Use Their Children as Pawns
A covert narcissist will use children as pawns to benefit themselves. So, if you are in a relationship with one, they may threaten to take the children in a divorce and never let you see them if you leave them. They may also put the child up against you over small and petty arguments.
They may simply use the child or children as a bargaining chip for their benefit, even financially. Think Frank Gallaher on “Shameless” using his children as pawns or taking out credit cards in their names — you get the idea.
Covert Narcissist vs. Overt Narcissist
When answering the question, “What is a covert narcissist?” You must remember that the overt narcissist is just a more obvious version, but they are very similar in nature.
Deep, deep, down inside, both types of narcissists are wounded so severely, and that seems to keep them from being able to feel empathy for others or regulate their own emotions very well.
Both overt and covert narcissists have an exaggerated sense of entitlement — the covert just seems more antisocial than the overt.
An overt narcissist will be charming and outgoing when they are seeking out admiration from others. However, a covert narcissist wants the same admiration but will come off more as self-conscious or emotionally withdrawn from the world.
They are both very skilled at being manipulative in order to get what they want from others.
But one of the major differences between an overt narcissist and a covert narcissist is that the covert will isolate and doesn’t want to be seen but rather puts on a mask in public.
They both care immensely about how they appear in public and best believe if you are going out in public with any narcissist, you better not disturb their “image.”
Codependency May Be Keeping You Tied to a Covert Narcissist
If you are dealing with a covert narcissist in your life, it is probably a challenging situation. Sometimes, we put up with these types of behaviors in relationships because we are codependent.
If you think you are codependent and want some help to break free from it, then you may want to hire a codependency coach.
I was codependent until I learned to heal from my trauma, practice self-care, and set healthy boundaries. It’s a pretty straightforward process when you have another human being to help you see things from a bird’s eye view.
So, if you want to work on overcoming codependency and get away from attracting narcs, then reach out today for a short discovery session so I can show you exactly how my UNLEASH method helps you get free from codependency and attract healthy relationships using the Law of Attraction.