Are you in a relationship that feels toxic? Do you feel like you are trauma-bonded to this person and don’t know how to let go? Are you constantly being treated disrespectfully and find that you have been isolated, too?
Chances are, you may be caught up in a narcissistic abuse cycle.
If so, I bet you are asking yourself, “How do I escape a narcissistic abuse cycle?
This article will cover what a narcissistic abuse cycle looks like and offer you some ways that you can learn how to escape a narcissistic abuse cycle.
What Are Some Narcissistic Behaviors?
Most narcissists use some of the same tactics, and this is how you can spot them. Let’s check out some of the most common and obvious signs of a narcissist.
Intermittent Love Bombing
A big red flag to look for in relationships, if you think you may be stuck in a narcissistic cycle of abuse, is love bombing—especially if it happened a lot in the early stages of the relationship.
Love bombing occurs when a person showers you with loving comments, adoration, favors, love notes, and flowers to show you “love.”
The issue is that it doesn’t come from love. This type of behavior comes from manipulation. Narcissists use flattery as a weapon to encourage you to want to be with them, stay with them, or fall for them. They want you to think they are the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend and gain your trust.
The problem begins when you start to see through the facade. You begin to see that this show of gifts and words of affection is actually a form of control.
At some point, the love bombing turns into gaslighting, criticism, or even physical abuse. That’s when you realize it was all fake.
Gaslighting
So, what is gaslighting? Gaslighting is when the narcissist turns the story around to make you feel like you are crazy. So, imagine that you are being abused, and you tell your family about it, and they question the abuser.
Instead of coming clean, they will say something like, “Now, you know that didn’t happen; you must have had too many glasses of wine the other night and dreamed it all up. Then, they will also explain to your family that you have a drinking problem and you’re not remembering the night correctly.
You might even second-guess the truth now. Did you have another glass of wine? If you get a little bit confused, then they have successfully accomplished their manipulation. Gaslighting can cause you to second-guess your own self-worth.
You know when you are being emotionally abused, but somehow, they convince you that you are just too sensitive, and they didn’t really say anything to hurt you.
If you are being discredited or distracted when trying to confront them about some of their behaviors, this is also gaslighting.
Criticism
Narcissists typically fall to using criticism to hurt you. They are always critical of others, but if you turn it on them, boy, will they get upset. So, if you are with someone who criticizes you and other people often but doesn’t respond too kindly to it themselves, they may be a narcissist.
What Are the 4 Stages of a Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
Typically, in a narcissistic abuse cycle, there are four stages that they will take you through.
These include:
- Idealization phase
- Devaluation phase
- Discard phase
- Hoovering (vacuum) phase
Let me dive deeper into these stages so you can determine if you are living in a narcissistic abuse cycle.
Stage 1: Idealization Phase
In the beginning stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle, the narcissist will become sort of obsessed with you. This is when you will receive the love bombing.
Depending on their finances, this could include fancy vacations, dresses, dinners, flowers, and any other type of affection you can think of.
During this stage, you feel pretty good, right? Someone new adores the pants off of you—why not feel great about it?
But then, it may start to feel like suffocation. They want to move in or rush the relationship forward too quickly.
After a while, the honeymoon phase is over.
Usually, in about three months, you’ll begin to see the real them. As the mask starts to fade and the real personality starts to show, the love bombing will cease, and you may realize that you have been fed some pretty elaborate false claims, too.
At first, you’ll ask yourself, “What did I do to push them away?” But it isn’t your fault; their mask is just starting to fade.
Stage 2: Devaluation Phase
The devaluation stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle is when they take you off your pedestal. During this stage, their goal is to devalue you.
They will start by putting you down in a passive way. You know, jokingly.
“You look better with makeup on.” “I don’t want you to go with me because you embarrass me when we go out.”
This is typically a shock to the system from the first stage and should be a big, flashing red flag.
When you question this abuse and ask them what’s going on, they will turn it all on you. This is when the blame game and the projecting will start.
Gaslighting is also common during the devaluation phase.
You are much more malleable and manipulatable when you are in a vulnerable and reduced sense of self.
The gifts and intimacy will be withheld because they want you to crave them.
You’ll also want to watch out for being isolated.
So, this is the time that will paint you out as crazy to your friends and family. Try to start fights with you and your family to distance them from you. Make up lies about you, say you have an addiction, or if you have children, tell everyone you’re a bad parent.
If you are in a relationship and you ever feel that you are being isolated, you may want to run in the other direction and fast.
True love doesn’t do any of these things and will never want to isolate you from those you love and care for.
Some other behaviors to look out for during this stage include:
- Stonewalling
- Comparing you to others
- Mind games
- Passive-aggressiveness
- Humiliation tactics
- Calling you negative names
- Denial: “That didn’t happen.”
- Blaming
- Love and hate type behavior (love bombing to belittling and back and forth)
Stage 3: Discard Phase
The discard phase is the third stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle. This is when the narcissist doesn’t need you anymore and often, without warning, bolts.
Or the opposite occurs during this stage. You might decide that this is not a healthy relationship, and you are going to leave THEM. In that case, the love bombing, and all of that nonsense will start all over again because it will hurt their ego for you to leave THEM.
But if they disappear, get another relationship target, or explain that they are done with you, then you are in the discard phase.
It’s like a toy that they don’t want to play with anymore, especially if they come across a better-looking or more expensive toy.
Often, since a narcissist has such a low sense of self-worth, they will start to find a new supply before they leave you. So, you may find messages to other potential partners or find that they are lying about where they are because most narcissists are also codependent and simply can’t be alone.
Stage 4: Hoovering Phase
The hoovering phase, or as I like to call it, the vacuum phase, is the fourth part of the narcissistic cycle of abuse. In this phase, the narcissist will try to re-engage.
Perhaps the side relationship doesn’t live in as nice of a house as you do, so they want to weasel their way back into your good graces.
During this stage, you may experience love bombing all over again, but this time with promises to change.
This issue with the hoover phase that I simply don’t like is that this form of manipulation works to evoke the trauma bond. See, when we have a trauma bond with someone, the chemicals in our brain associate this evil behavior with love and comfort. They use this to their advantage to try to hook you in again. It’s so horrible.
The narcissist may try to get you to feel sorry for them or maybe downplay what they did.
They may bring around the other person to try to make you jealous and win you back that way. They may stalk you at work or other places that they know that you will be.
Whatever you do, if you have gotten away from a narcissistic cycle of abuse, please don’t fall for the tactics during this stage. Run. Fast.
How To Escape the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
You know that you are caught in a never-ending narcissistic abuse cycle, so now, how do you escape?
Realize That It Is Abuse and You Are Being Abused
The first step in escaping this cycle of abuse is to accept that you are being abused. It’s sort of like when someone has an addiction. The first step is to admit to themselves that there is a problem.
You must accept that you are being abused and then look for a safe way out.
Set Healthy Boundaries
The next thing you want to do when trying to escape from a narcissistic abuse cycle is to set boundaries with them.
Nothing will repel them from you faster than some good boundaries and a few firm “No’s!’.
They will likely test you on these boundaries, so you must stand firm. If you have to get away from the relationship for this to work, do it.
Remain Calm and Stop Reacting
Most of the time, a narcissist will feed off your reactions. They may even go as far as to provoke you first, then videotape your reactions and call you crazy to everyone else. “Look how nuts she is, see, I told you.”
So, the best way to avoid this and escape from the narcissistic abuse cycle is to learn how to stay calm and stop reacting.
Simply act like their comments or whatever abuse they are throwing your way doesn’t bother you. Even though I know it does.
Not only have I survived narcissistic abuse, but I was diagnosed with CPTSD after the last one because of how long the abuse lasted.
So, I know how it can affect your self-esteem and cause anxiety, depression, and fear. Many studies have proven that domestic abuse leads to stress, anxiety, and depression in the victims.
Stop Self-Blaming
This takes me to my next step: stop blaming yourself for anything.
I know it feels like you are the one to blame because of all the head games, but it’s not your fault. The narcissist is the one with the damaged ego and sense of self.
They have just been feeding off of your energy for so long that you don’t feel very good about yourself.
The key is realizing it is their issue, not yours.
Then, you’ll be able to break free.
Reach Out for Help
Sometimes, it may not be as simple as getting away. Many times, women can find themselves financially dependent on the narcissist. Also, substance abuse goes hand in hand with narcissistic abuse cycles for both parties.
If you have become physically dependent on a drug or alcohol, they may be supplying it, and that makes it so much harder to leave.
But there are plenty of support groups and hotlines that you can call to get help getting away. If you are on drugs or alcohol, you can call SAMHSA’s national hotline for help with treatment, which will get you out of the situation and help with your addiction and mental health, too.
You can also try the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help.
There are several other options if you are “stuck” and afraid to leave.
Hire a Codependency Coach to Help You Overcome the Damage
But if you are lucky enough to escape from a narcissist, then you may want to heal.
As a narcissistic abuse and domestic violence survivor, I know what it is like to be trapped in one of these relationships.
But you aren’t trapped. You can get out and heal and move on.
As a codependency coach, I help abuse survivors find their self-esteem and confidence again.
I can teach you how to set firm boundaries and stick to them. I can show you how to rebuild your life after the abuse and be able to eventually set your standards so high that you won’t ever have to worry about attracting a narcissist again because you will repel them instead!
Reach out to Unleash Your Healing Vibes today.
We’ll set up a free consultation to assess your current situation and determine how we can help you get back to your confident and sexy self.