If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and trying to get away but feel like there’s no way out, you are in luck. When it comes to escaping a narcissist, I’m somewhat of an expert.
Maybe you have left before, but time and time again, you get sucked back into their drama. But I want you to know now that there is a way out. This article is going to explore ten tips that you can use starting today to help you learn how to get away from a narcissist.
How to Identify a Narcissist?
So you first might want to ask yourself, am I really with a narcissist? How do you even identify what a narcissist looks like? Are you with a covert narcissist?
Let’s take a look at some ways that you can identify a narcissist. Understanding these traits can be a powerful tool, giving you a sense of clarity and control in a situation that may have felt overwhelming.
Here are some traits to look for in a narcissist:
- Lack of empathy
- Can’t take criticism
- Are perfectionists
- Only think about what they want
- Exploit others
- Jealous of others
- Manipulative
- Grandiose sense of self
- Fantasize about power, money, and success
- Cocky or arrogant
Why Is It So Hard to Get Away From a Narcissist?
A narcissist is skilled at manipulation. They will try everything to make you stay. Buy you new things, take you on vacation, make ridiculous promises to change, go to counseling, literally anything. There’s nothing that a narc won’t do to try to prevent you from leaving them.
Not to mention the hold on your mental state that they tend to have over you. Most narcissists have your head so freaked up that you don’t know when you’re coming or going from all the gaslighting. They may have you blaming yourself for everything.
They may have you feeling sorry for them because their dad didn’t love them as a child or blah blah blah. Emotionally, you may be attached to them, making it much harder to leave, but you have to decide that you are worthy of better treatment, and they are NOT CAPABLE of giving it to you.
It’s sad because many narcissists did have a rough childhood, and they do have a story as to why they are the way that they are. But, the truth of the matter is that they are not capable of proper love for whatever reasons, and you cannot fix them. You hear me? They are not fixable. You will only lose yourself if you continue to try to save these people.
How to Get Away From a Narcissist
In order to get away from a narcissist, you first have to understand them and how they think. Chances are they will use various tactics to manipulate and control you. By the time you are finally ready to get away from the narcissist, you have probably learned most of their tactics.
Mainly, they will use things like guilt, gaslighting, isolating you, and other forms of threats to prevent you from leaving. The cycle of narcissistic abuse can keep you feeling stuck.
You won’t be able to come out and say; I plan to leave you because you and I are not getting along. No, this will not work with a narc. You will have to first take back some of the control that they have over you.
So when you are escaping a narcissist, start by stopping any arguing with them. Do not engage, no matter how bad you want to. They need the arguing for many of their control schemes.
So, for example, if they are prone to instigating you and then turning on the camera to film your reactions and show people that “you’re the crazy one,” then you can’t give them that satisfaction.
Next, you want to regain some of your self-confidence back and quietly come up with your plan to leave. Let’s go ahead and dive into the tips that I have for escaping a narcissist and hopefully give you a good idea of how to come up with your own plan of action.
10 Tips for Escaping a Narcissist
Let’s now go over exactly how to get away from a narcissist.
1. Get financially independent
Many narcissists will use money to control you. They may talk you into leaving your job so that they can take care of you. They may cause you to lose your jobs so that you never have any money of your own. I’ve been there before, and it was horrible. The narcissist I was with would cause me to lose my job and then have me beg for basic necessities like toilet paper.
Narcissists use financial power to control you, and it is awful. So, your first step to leaving a narcissist is to become financially independent. This step can be a significant stride towards your freedom, liberating you from their control. Even if this means calling a family member and borrowing enough money to get out, then that’s what you do. They want to limit your access to money because they know that when you have it, you don’t need them so much.
So you have to split up bank accounts, get your own accounts, credit cards, loans, and anything that you can possibly do to squirrel away money of your own to use later when you escape.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries with the Narcissist
When you are trying to learn how to get away from a narcissist, you first need to start setting boundaries. One thing that a narcissist absolutely hates is boundaries. They will push you to see if you are really going to stand by them, too.
You must! You won’t be able to give in no matter how bad you might want to because you have to get respect or else.
Sit down with them and let them know that these are behaviors that you are not going to tolerate. Then, you have to stand by your boundaries and learn how to say no more than once. Most likely, they are not going to respect your boundaries, so you will possibly have to get away from the narcissist in order for them to realize your serious.
3. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT
I know that when you are trying to escape from a narcissist, they will try everything to make you stay. One thing is for sure: they are going to try to blame you for everything. They will blame you for everything to other people, too, so be prepared for that.
But you must remember it is not your fault. It is not that you are stupid or gullible, but narcissists are skilled at manipulation and head games. You are not to blame, and it’s important to remind yourself of this.
So always remember it isn’t your fault that you got caught up in the relationship in the first place. Even if you are dealing with codependency, which targets people who have codependency, you can still find a way to forgive both them and yourself and move on from the relationship.
4. Put Yourself First
When you are learning how to get away from a narcissist, remember that you have the power to put yourself first. Prioritize self-love and develop a self-care routine. This is not about them. It’s about you. You have the ability to heal and grow, even while you are still with them.
Let’s talk about sex for a second. Narcissists love to use sex for power and control, and let’s face it, you aren’t getting any real intimacy or emotional fulfillment in the relationship, so they have to use the pleasure card. So, if you are caught in the sex web that they have laid out for you, you may have to find a way to indulge all by yourself, if you know what I mean. Don’t give in to their lustful tactics. It’s much better to spend time alone in the dark than to put up with their insanity for a little bit of a good time.
Here’s another thing: Your self-worth is not measured by your sex skills. You don’t have to use that to feel good about yourself. I’ve been celibate for over four years, and my self-worth has never been better! I no longer need external validation, and you can get there too!
5. Stop Trying to Please the Narcissist
When you are trying to escape a narcissist, remember that you have to stop trying to please them or looking for approval. This is one of their manipulation tactics. They break you down so badly that you need their tiny praises here and there to feel good about yourself. So, as hard as it may be at first, you have to stop trying to get their approval.
I know how hard it is. I was low, too; I had been isolated from all of my friends and family, so I had no one to turn to. My self-esteem was so far gone that I accepted his tiny crumbs of backhanded compliments.
Did I immediately begin to practice self-care and feel great and love myself? No, absolutely not. It took time. But now, years later, I have healthy boundaries with everyone in my life, I prioritize myself, I have self-love, I love to spend time with myself, I am not longer codependent, I have been single for four years, and I will never tolerate a narcissist’s behavior again!
So there’s hope, and you can get there; it may start out painful and hard, but you will overcome and build yourself back up to where one day you will magnetize in the type of man who knows how to love instead of draining you of your energy.
6. Find a Way to Ensure the Safety of Your Children or Pets
When you are escaping from a narcissist, and you have children or pets, it’s very important that you find a safe way to get them out of the home. You can find a family member that you trust to come to get them one day or even involve the law if you have to, but narcissists can use children as pawns in their sick games and can even hurt pets if they think it will do them any good.
So remember to always make sure that your children and furry friends are safe when you get ready to leave. Sometimes, this means that you leave separately. Send the kids to grandma for a week before you leave. Do whatever it takes to make sure that your family is safe.
7. Delete All Search Histories, Calls, or E-mails
If you are planning to get away from a narcissist, then you need to be smart about it. Make sure that you delete all of your search histories. They will go through all of this stuff, so it’s important that you don’t get caught in your planning phase, as it could lead to increased manipulation or even physical harm.
If you are searching for tips online or if you have been to domestic violence websites and are finding people locally to reach out to for help, it’s very important that you delete these numbers and e-mails from your phone and computer.
You want to make sure that you get a clean break when you escape a narcissist and that you leave no possible trail for them to catch up on. Even if they are not abusive or dangerous, although most are, you still don’t want them catching on to your plan to bounce.
8. Plan Your Exit Strategy From the Narcissist
When you are working on how to get away from a narcissist, you’ll want to plan your exit strategy very carefully. This may include patience and waiting months before you can take off.
You want to either find support from shelters or friends or have enough money saved up to get yourself an apartment or somewhere to stay. Consider creating a timeline, identifying potential obstacles, and developing a backup plan if things don’t go as expected.
As I mentioned, make sure that your children and pets are safe. This may even mean leaving them with your parents or another family member for a brief period of time until you get yourself set up somewhere else.
As I also mentioned, if they have financial control over you, you will have to get a job or make some money from them so that you have these funds saved up for your exit.
However, there are many places that will help you get on your feet when you get away from these types of relationships. There’s the domestic violence hotline and other support groups that can help you get a place without any money.
If you are using drugs or drinking with them, you can get into a long-term rehab, which will keep you safe from them and help you find a place to live so by the time you get out, you will have a job lined up, housing lined up, and a way to get you and your family away. That’s a whole other article because if you use drugs or are addicted to alcohol, that’s their easiest power grab to hold over your head or threaten to report you or anything with.
Sometimes, you might even have to involve the law or get lawyers if you are married to them. But either way, it’s best to have all of your ducks in a row before you take off so that you are not tempted to come crawling back to them because you are homeless.
You need to be financially independent or reach out for some help through other support systems.
9. Cut All Ties and Contact With the Narcissist
Another important tip for how to get away from a narcissist is to cut ties. Cutting ties with the narcissist is extremely important. They are skilled at trying to get you back into their webs, so it’s so important that once you get out, cut off all possible ways of contact.
This may include getting rid of your Facebook or other forms of social media. Do it. Your life and sanity are much more important than some likes that you get on Facebook. Besides, your real friends will have your phone number or your address, right?
If you don’t cut ties and become a ghost, you are much more likely to return to them.
You have to heal from this relationship.
Most of the time, it’s a trauma-bonded relationship when you are with a narcissist. So, this takes time to heal from. You may need therapy or coaching for a few months to get your mindset back in order and get yourself back to feeling good about yourself again.
It’s imperative that you become a ghost, as far as they are concerned.
10. Seek Professional Help After You Escape the Narcissist
If you are lucky enough to get away from a narcissist, you may still be feeling low and damaged. There’s a reason for that. Narcissists can leave you with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and other feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
But you can reach out for help.
As a codependency coach, I have been there; it took me a while to get up off my feet after escaping a narcissist. But I developed the tools and the know-how to overcome the damage that they caused me and heal. If you want to learn how to get your self-esteem back and self-love in place so that you never have to worry about attracting a narcissist again, then reach out for a free discovery call with me today.
You can also grab my free 5-Day Vibe Challenge, in which I will walk through five days of journal prompts and tools that you can start using now to get yourself feeling back to the beautiful soul that you are.