Table of contents
What Is Trauma Bonding?
Dysfunctional Childhood Can Lead To Trauma Bonding
Insecure Attachment Styles May Lead to a Trauma Bond
Are Trauma Bonds Real?
What Does a Trauma Bond Look Like?
Can a Trauma Bond Be Healed?
Unleash Your Healing Vibes Can Help You Break Free From a Trauma Bond
FAQ
A trauma bond is a never-ending cycle that can damage your self-worth and leave you feeling hopeless. If you have found yourself in one, or maybe you’ve heard the term “trauma bond,” and you are curious as to whether you are in a trauma bond or not.
A trauma bond is an attachment to another person who is mentally abusive, controlling, or violent one minute and offers you affection the next. You never know what you’ll get, yet you can’t seem to leave.
Perhaps you had trauma in childhood. Childhood trauma is often a precursor to developing a trauma bond and narcissistic abuse.
Let’s take a closer look at what trauma bonding is, some trauma bond signs, what it looks like, and how you can break free and heal.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding occurs when someone is in an abusive relationship, often with a narcissist, and they develop a strong attachment to the abuser. Have you ever been in a toxic relationship that is either verbally or physically abusive, only to leave it and get right into another one with the same unhealthy patterns?
Perhaps you had a toxic environment growing up and had the same type of relationship with either a parent or a sibling, so a trauma bond in relationships feels like home.
See, unconsciously, you’ll keep repeating the patterns from your childhood until you deal with your unresolved trauma.
Dysfunctional Childhood Can Lead To Trauma Bonding
This behavior can often stem from childhood, where you were given positive and negative reinforcement in cycles. For example, you were rewarded if you came home with good grades.
However, you were punished the next day, and you never really knew what the day would look like. You often felt that your self-value was based on your performance.
When this occurs in a child’s life, they begin to think there is no predictability and must learn to adapt. In doing so, they associate love as conditional on how well they perform and can become people pleasers or perfectionists depending on the child’s character.
And so, if children grow up in this type of unpredictable environment or have a narcissistic parent or parents with addictions, then they are predisposed to forming trauma bonds and developing codependency in their adult life.
Insecure Attachment Styles May Lead to a Trauma Bond
There is more to the trauma bond meaning than just emotional attachment. When you form a bond with another human being, your brain releases oxytocin, a neurotransmitter often associated with love. Oxytocin increases the re-living of traumatic events in someone with a recent traumatic experience. Thus, the trauma bond can form.
This trauma response can also stem back to childhood. So, if you had a neglectful parent or caregiver or care was inconsistent, then you could develop what is known as an insecure attachment style.
Children with insecure attachments grow into adults with fearful or avoidant behavior regarding relationships. And suppose you have this type of insecure attachment style. In that case, you are more prone to developing a trauma bond relationship.
If your childhood was dysfunctional, you still loved your parents, and you associate love with toxic behavior or inconsistent care. A trauma bond will be similar to the inconsistent care that you received as a child.
Sometimes, you’d cry for milk and be ignored; sometimes, you’d be cuddled up and played with for hours.
Until you learn new coping skills and heal the unresolved trauma, you may continue to recreate the same poisonous patterns and trauma bonds with every relationship that you have.
Are Trauma Bonds Real?
Trauma bonds are most certainly real, and trauma bonds in relationships don’t have to be romantic in nature. Still, trauma bonds can form with parents, siblings, friends, and even kidnappers.
For example, Stockholm syndrome is a psychological coping mechanism where people who are held captive develop a bond with the people their captors. So, when comparing a trauma bond vs Stockholm syndrome, a trauma bond doesn’t have to be a life-threatening situation.
In contrast, Stockholm syndrome forms when victims fear that their life is in grave danger. This is a type of trauma bond that victims develop in order to cope with the situation that they are living with.
What Does a Trauma Bond Look Like?
There are some signs to look out for if you are wondering if you may have a trauma bond with someone or are concerned about someone you care about being in one. These signs include the following:
- The abuser isolates the victim
- The abuser convinces friends and family to take their side
- The abuser uses gaslighting and other forms of control
- The abuser has a cycle: abuse and then love bomb
- The victim begins to blame themselves for the abuse
- The victim feels sorry for the abuser
- The victim feels intense feelings for the abuser and refuses to leave them
- The victim defends the abuser with friends and family
- The victim may try to leave only to feel stressed and come back
- The victim reminisces on the good times
- The victim walks on eggshells so as not to upset the abuser
- The victim threatens to leave, but the abuser promises to change or get help but doesn’t
- The victim keeps the abuse secret to protect the abuser
- The victim is codependent with the abuser and equates their happiness to the abusers
- The victim is addicted to the abuser, similar to a drug or alcohol addiction
Sometimes, even if you have found a way to escape from the abuser, the trauma bond is so strong that you find it challenging to move on and continue to think about them in a positive manner.
What Does a Trauma Bond Feel Like?
Let’s look at some trauma bond examples. In the beginning, trauma bond love bombing typically feels nice. You are often showered with love and attention, lavish gifts, and trips, and they are attentive to your needs and wants.
You’ll usually be showered with compliments to the point that you feel special, loved, and complete. However, once you are sufficiently hooked in with all of the love bombing and affection, the chaos begins.
Now, the abuser will slowly start to take away the compliments and begin to put you down. For example, instead of saying that you look pretty when you get ready to go out like they used to, they’ll say, “You need to put on some makeup before we go out and look decent.”
You’ll be shocked, but then you feel like you must try harder to win their approval. Ultimately, you’ll end up mentally, physically, emotionally, and often spiritually drained. Yet, you’ll remember how wonderful they were in the beginning, and you keep hoping that things can return to how they were at the start of the relationship.
You can even get to the point where you don’t know if it’s trauma bond vs love because it is like the love you may have experienced in childhood or young adulthood.
Now, these relationships can form with parents, co-workers, friends, or other family members. The relationship doesn’t have to be a romantic one.
You can develop a trauma bond friendship, too. But essentially, you’ll feel compelled to remain in a relationship with the other person.
You’ll lose your self-worth as you are constantly looking to others for your happiness, may develop codependency, and trauma cycles will repeat in future relationships unless you handle the trauma that you have suffered through.
Is a Trauma Bond and Codependency the Same Thing?
Many people think that trauma bonds and codependency are the same. However, they are not the same.
Codependency was first coined regarding being in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict and being the enabler or caregiver. Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship where a person has an attachment to a person who is toxic and either controlling, abusive, or often has a substance use disorder.
People who are codependent are addicted to being in relationships. They’ll go from one relationship to the next. They can wind up being utterly miserable for years at a time but too frightened to live alone to leave the relationship. Abusers and narcissists thrive with codependent people.
They know that they can treat you as awful as they want to, and you won’t leave because you are too scared of being alone. Often, this is not a conscious fear of being alone but something deep hidden in the unconscious that stems from some form of trauma.
For example, A child who had a dysfunctional relationship with an alcoholic parent ended up becoming the caretaker when they were too little, and the roles had to be reversed.
So, the child did not get a chance to be a child properly, and that caused a trauma bond cycle with the alcoholic parent. Well then, as an adult, this child will magnetize the same dysfunction into their life until they heal the trauma bond with a parent first.
So, codependency is a form of a trauma bond, but you can have a trauma bond with someone and not be codependent.
Are Trauma Bonds and PTSD the Same Thing?
Trauma bonds and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) are not the same things, but they do have a lot in common and can overlap. According to Statista, an estimated 50% of rape victims will develop PTSD, and 32% of people who have been physically abused will develop PTSD.
In domestic violent relationships, trauma bonds are prevalent. But it doesn’t have to be physical abuse to develop PTSD — verbal abuse can cause it, too. So, people with trauma bond addiction can develop PTSD, but they are not the same.
Can a Trauma Bond Be Healed?
If you are trapped in a trauma bond, you may be wondering if there is any way for trauma bond healing. You can undoubtedly heal trauma bonding and get away from toxic relationships or move on from the ones you may have already escaped from.
You can learn new attachment styles, heal your trauma, and learn more about real love and how to love yourself unconditionally so that you can attract unconditional love into your life.
What you need to remember is that you have trauma that you may have been carrying your entire adult life. So, it can take some time to heal and learn new strategies. It’s often easier to hire a life coach or a psychotherapist to help.
A life coach can hold space for you to be able to talk about some of the trauma that you’ve experienced and help you learn new ways to let go of what is no longer serving you. So that you’ll be able to move on, The following relationship you get into will have to meet your new standards, and toxic trauma bonds will not be on your list.
Unleash Your Healing Vibes Can Help You Break Free From a Trauma Bond
If you are dealing with a trauma bond with a narcissist and want out, reaching out for help is best. If you want to work through the trauma and learn new tools that you can use to cope and how to let go of what no longer serves you, then Unleash Your Healing Vibes can help with your trauma bond recovery.
I’m a generational trauma coach, and I specialize in addictions, codependency, trauma bonds, and any other curse that has either been passed down or developed from the environment in which you were raised.
Reach out today, and let’s get you through your trauma, addiction, or any other generational curse so that you can attract true love that will appreciate you.
FAQ
Are trauma bonds bad?
Yes, the trauma bond definition is an unhealthy attachment to another person who’s abusive or violent.
Can trauma bonds become healthy?
If you and the abuser decide to both seek help and want to learn how to have a healthy relationship, then yes, it can become healthy, but only if both parties agree to get help for the toxicity.
Is a trauma bond love?
No. A trauma bond is a strong connection, but love is healthy, loving, and considerate — a trauma bond is none of those things.
How long does a trauma bond last?
A trauma bond can last for years. Even after you leave the abusive person, you may still think about them and feel drawn to them until you work through your trauma and let go of any codependent traits. Working with a coach or a therapist is a great way to break free.