How do I learn how to not be so codependent? This is a question I’m often asked when people discover that they are in a codependent relationship cycle. So, I decided I’d create an ultimate guide to help answer that question for all of you.
This article will cover ways that you can learn how to not be codependent anymore so that you can instead become independent and joyful.
What Does It Mean To Be Codependent?
When you are codependent, you do not have healthy relationships with others. You lose yourself in the other person’s or other people’s needs and ignore your own needs.
Or you could be really controlling of the other person. Codependency doesn’t have to be just about romantic relationships, either.
You can have codependent relationships with your parents, kids, or even friends. Codependency is a relationship addiction. You can’t live by yourself for very long.
If you are single, you feel like you are not complete, and so you will jump from one toxic relationship to another so that you don’t have to be alone. Being alone is uncomfortable.
What Causes Codependency?
Codependency, like most addictions, is the result of unhealed trauma, typically from childhood. Perhaps you had a trauma-bonded relationship with one of your parents, or maybe you grew up with alcohol in the family.
Maybe you always seemed to be siding with one of your parents in battles that were not at all appropriate for a child to have to live in. Maybe your parents were codependent themselves, so you saw that style of attachment and assumed that was how love is supposed to be.
Either way, you typically weren’t given the love and care that you needed as a kid. So, when you grew up, you began to shove your true self down and put your feelings aside because you found that you could get a little bit of love from self-sacrificing.
Maybe you had to parent your parents. So, you found that you look for men that you need to mother and coddle. Either way, it’s unhealthy, and it can be overcome once you get to the root cause and learn to deal with the unresolved trauma.
What Are Some Signs of Codependent Relationships?
Some signs of a codependent relationship include:
- Not having a self-care practice or feeling selfish anytime you do take care of your needs.
- You find it challenging to be alone.
- You can’t set healthy boundaries because it makes them upset, or you can’t stick to them.
- You have communication issues.
- You are constantly seeking their approval for everything.
- You find it difficult to tell them no.
- You get freaked out when you can’t reach them on the phone.
- You have had a previously abusive relationship.
- You put up with abuse: physical, mental, sexual, or emotional.
- The other person breadcrumbs you, and you’re okay with it.
- The other person has narcissistic traits.
- They have isolated you from your friends or family.
- They gaslight you.
- You feel stuck in the relationship.
- You don’t stay single for very long.
So, if any of these sound like you, then you may be codependent. So now we’ll dive into ten tips for how not to be codependent.
10 Tips for How Not To Be Codependent
Let’s look at ten tips for how not to be codependent so you can work to break free.
1. Discover the Root Cause
The first step to stop being codependent is to discover the root cause. Most often, the root cause is underlying trauma. So, what is trauma?
Trauma can be anything that happened to you that caused you pain and that you decided not to deal with. So, it isn’t always the big trauma you typically think of when people discuss trauma. Trauma is different for each person, too. So, what may cause one child to have a trauma response and close off, the other child may not even notice. So, making a checklist of “traumas” is problematic because everyone will have different ones.
The best way to discover your root trauma is to look into your past. Ask yourself the following questions.
When did the codependent-type behaviors start to occur? At what age did these unhealthy attachment styles develop? Can you even pinpoint this? Maybe you were like this from the time you were little. Then, it could be inherited trauma.
Our ancestors’ traumas can be passed down to us in our DNA. So, if this is the case, you may want to ask your parents or grandparents what type of bad experiences they lived through, and maybe you’ll find the trauma in your lineage, and then you can work to release it for your whole line.
2. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a great practice to help you stop being codependent. Mindfulness practices can come in the form of all types of activities, too. From coloring in adult coloring books to mindful eating, there are many ways that you can incorporate mindfulness techniques into your daily life.
Mindfulness is not at all new. The ancients knew about mindfulness and its benefits all across the world. However, even in the Western world, it’s been around in clinical practice for bettering one’s health and wellness since the 1970s.
So, what does it mean to practice mindfulness? Let’s look at the opposite of practicing mindfulness. So, the opposite would be excessive worry, fear, and distress over things you cannot change.
But being mindful is being aware of your day-to-day life in a nonjudgmental way. Being present. You slip into the role of the observer.
So, you watch your thoughts and feelings arise. Still, instead of diving into them and becoming them, you accept them as what they are, feel into them, and let them pass in a healthy fashion.
So often, we get angry, and then we become angry. The anger then runs the show.
When you practice mindfulness, you will notice the anger, question it, and then release it out into the world without identifying it as the anger itself.
So, what are some great ways that you can practice mindfulness?
Some beneficial mindfulness activities include the following:
- Mindful meditation
- Mindful eating
- Body scans
- Aromatherapy
- Cold or hot plunging
- Emotional freedom technique (EFT) tapping
- Painting or drawing
- Listening to music
- Playing an instrument or singing
- Dancing
- Mindful exercising
- Being out in nature
- Journaling
3. Learn About Nutrition and Change Your Diet
So, we already know that trauma can be passed down to your DNA, but do you know that eating bad food affects your DNA, too?
Not only that, but processed foods affect the brain the same way that drugs do by stimulating the dopamine centers. So, this is why people become addicted to sugary and greasy foods.
When you educate yourself about nutrition, you begin to start putting better things into your body.
You’ll feel better about yourself, and your health will also improve. So, when you cut back on soda, processed foods, and refined sugar, you can replace them with raw fruits and vegetables.
Having a bad diet can make stress and depression symptoms worse.
When you have vitamins, minerals, and nutrients in your body, you’re going to feel better, and you’re going to feel healthier.
When you feel better about yourself, you won’t put up with some of the same things you are used to. So, it’s crucial that if you want to fight off a relationship addiction like codependency, then you need to begin by taking care of your physical body.
Once you have a better diet and begin to feel better, then you can work on your emotions and unresolved trauma that you have repressed. Overcoming all these issues will allow you to stop being codependent and instead work toward becoming more independent.
4. Barefoot Grounding
My clients will tell you I’m obsessed with barefoot grounding, and there’s a good reason. As a generational trauma coach, I am all about returning to the ancestors and honoring their ways.
I’ve been barefoot since I was a kid. If I got mad, I’d run across the creek and into the fields and walk it off, always barefoot.
As an adult, I’ve found that barefoot grounding helps connect you to the frequency of the Earth, but it can also vastly improve your mood. Here’s one study that proved that barefoot grounding improved the mood of participants.
But our ancestors already knew this, didn’t they?
So why does barefoot grounding help you stop being codependent?
When we are in addiction or codependency, we often dissociate from our bodies. So when you are so wrapped up in people-pleasing and the other person’s needs, you essentially dissociate.
Barefoot grounding brings you back to the present. It can feel uncomfortable being in the present for many of us. Still, eventually, you will get more comfortable with it and appreciate the calm and peace.
Not to mention, grounding can help when you are recognizing and dealing with trauma. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) discusses the benefits of grounding for people with trauma in one of their trauma-informed care books.
5. Yoga or Qigong
As a yoga life coach, I always suggest yoga to help people overcome codependency. You may be asking yourself, “How is that going to help me not be codependent?”
Well, yoga is a practice that can bring us into union with our souls. So often, when you are trapped in a codependent cycle, you lose yourself. You forget who you are and start becoming the other person.
But with a yoga practice, you can learn to get back to yourself.
Not to mention, a good way to stop being codependent is to work on reducing stress. Yoga has been shown to reduce stress and improve sleep quality, too.
Next, I often suggest qigong. Now, with qigong, you work more with the energy centers in the body, which are called meridians.
But essentially, you also work on your aura, or your personal magnetic field. When you learn to strengthen your magnetic field, other people will be less likely to influence you, and you’ll be more equipped to recognize your feelings over someone else’s.
The reason this is good for learning how not to be codependent is because it helps you separate from the other person.
Over time, a qigong practice can help you connect with your soul, distance yourself from toxic relationships, and better equip you to choose a different type of person the next time.
As a bonus, both yoga and qigong can help you learn to become more independent.
6. Start a Self-Care Routine
Another thing my clients will tell you that I always suggest is a self-care routine. Having a self-care routine is the answer to many, many issues that people face today.
The world has programmed everyone to look outside of themselves for happiness and love. From fairy tales to living the “American Dream,” —or whatever country you live in— you’ve been sold the idea that you must have all these external things to be happy.
You need the dream job, the big house, the antique car, the trophy wife, the boat, etc., and then you’ll be living happily.
It’s okay if you fall for this; most people do. However, true joy and happiness come from within. The best way to cultivate these feelings of joy is to start a self-care routine.
This is even more important for codependent people. As a codependent, you are typically meshed into your partner and have no idea what it is that you want in life.
Maybe you have decorated the house to suit their style, and you don’t even feel your home is yours. All of these are signs of codependency.
When I first got sober and started to heal my own codependency, the first thing that really helped me was my self-care routine.
So, some ways that you can start a self-care routine of your own include the following:
- Start a morning exercise routine
- Get enough sleep
- Eat fruits and veggies
- Give yourself a self-massage
- Get acupuncture treatment or a chiropractic alignment
- Go to a spa
- Cook yourself a nice homecooked meal
- Journal
- Get a manicure or a pedicure
- Learn to sew
- Go for a drive out in the country with the windows down
- Work on negative self-talk
- Meditation
- Color in an adult coloring book
- Learn a new skill
- Take an online course
- Declutter a room or even a drawer in your home
- Read a new book
- Visit a museum
- Forgive others and maybe even write it all down, and then you can burn it to release
These are some quick tips off the top of my head, but self-care can be anything you do for yourself that shows yourself love. Make sure that it’s fun for you and not a chore.
If you are in a codependent relationship now, don’t let them tell you that you are being selfish. This self-care routine will help you find the courage to walk away and not look back.
It would help if you did this daily. It doesn’t have to be the same every day, but you must prioritize self-care.
How will you properly love another human being if you don’t first learn to love yourself?
7. Breathing Exercises
Breathing exercises are another aspect of ancient practices that have been used for years and years to help reduce stress and increase relaxation.
A systematic review showed that slow breathing affected the parasympathetic and central nervous system in assisting people with emotional control and improved psychological well-being.
They also determined from the review that slow breathing exercises:
- Increased relaxation
- Increased alertness
- Increased pleasantness
- Decreased anxiety
- Decreased depression
- Decreased anger
- Decreased confusion
- Decreased stress
Pranayama is the breathing exercises that accompany yogic practices. But you can do breathing exercises without practicing any yoga poses.
In pranayama, the breath is the prana, or energy, that flows in the human body. These breathing exercises are implemented to control breathing in the body.
When we activate the parasympathetic nervous system, we begin to feel a sense of calmness.
So, when you can start to work on your breathing to control your emotions, you can stop allowing them to control you.
This should help you gain the emotional regulation needed to stop seeking validation from other people and instead cultivate your own inner peace.
Plus, you will be able to become more self-aware of your feelings and disentangle them from the other person’s.
8. Rediscover Yourself and Build Your Self-Esteem
As previously mentioned, when we are in a codependent relationship, we tend to lose ourselves. You also have very low self-esteem and self-worth, which is why you put up with things that people who have high self-worth would not accept.
So, to rediscover yourself, you can look back on your passions and hobbies as a child.
What did you love to do? What did you want to be when you grew up? What were your favorite books to read? What kind of music did you like to listen to?
When you do a deep soul search, you can eventually figure out who you are and live more authentically.
This can take time, but it begins with becoming self-aware.
Then, to build your self-esteem and self-worth, you can start to change any negative thinking. If you are negatively talking to yourself, then you should stop.
If you allow the other person to speak to you negatively, you also want to ask them to stop.
So, then you want to develop compassion for yourself. Instead of listening to the inner critic inside, show yourself love and compassion.
You can start to make a list of all the traits that are good about yourself. Then, you can post this list somewhere to look at it daily.
To build self-esteem, we must cut out the negative and encourage the positive. It takes time and practice, but you can eventually regain your self-worth.
9. Learn To Set Healthy Boundaries
Learning to set healthy boundaries is a very important step when you are learning how not to be codependent. The key to this is to put these boundaries with people in your life and then make sure to stick with them.
So, if your partner gets upset when you do this, you want to try to stand your ground with it. Suppose they don’t want to respect your boundaries. In that case, you should think about getting out of the relationship because if there’s no change, there’s no change.
An excellent way to do this is to list everything you want from relationships and set up guardrails for what you will no longer accept.
So, if you will not tolerate being talked down to and disrespected anymore, then put that on your list. Then, once you have your list ready, you can begin to enforce them in your day-to-day life. You don’t have to be a floor mat for anyone anymore.
One of the best ways to show ourselves love is to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
10. Reach Out for Help
One of the best ways to learn how to not be codependent is to reach out for help. A codependency coach or a therapist are both great ways that you can get assistance with overcoming codependent behaviors.
An honest question to ask your potential coach or therapist is if they have any lived experience with codependency or addiction themselves.
If so, they will be able to offer you something exceptional. When you work with someone who has been where you are and has achieved what you want, you are much more likely to take their advice.
This is why I became a codependency coach. I have over twelve years of lived experience with codependent relationships with men, not to mention platonic, codependent relationships with members of my family.
So it’s always good to look for a coach or a therapist who has overcome it so that you know they know exactly how it feels to be in your shoes.
A Codependency Coach Can Help You Learn How Not To Be Codependent
Now that you have some tips, you can begin breaking free from codependency. If you need additional help and want to work with a coach who has experience with codependency, then reach out to me at Unleash Your Healing Vibes today, and let’s get you from codependency to independence.
You can schedule a free session where we can create a unique plan, and then you can decide if codependency coaching is for you after you learn more.