Do you tend to push people away and then beg them to come back to you? Are you in a codependency relationship because you are so scared of starting over in the dating world and having a fear of rejection? Some of these traits could be signs of AVPD or codependency, or maybe even both.
This article will examine AVPD and codependency more closely. We’ll look at how AVPD and codependency are alike and different. Then, you can determine if you have AVDP or codependency or if you are dealing with both issues at the same time and how that’s even possible.
Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD)
AVPD, or avoidant personality disorder, is a mental health issue where people tend to be fearful of intimacy and connection. Often plagued with low self-esteem, people who have AVPD tend to isolate and stay away from many social interactions. While deep inside, they crave deep connections with others. They avoid socializing.
As you can probably guess, having these intense fears about being around other people and opening up can be crippling.
Some other symptoms of an avoidant personality can include:
- Poor self-image
- Fear of rejection/abandonment
- Fear of being embarrassed or bullied
- Super sensitive to criticism or judgments
- Overly concerned about other’s approval or disapproval
- “Hermit mode” or self-isolation
- Misreading social interactions as negative
- Feeling socially inferior to others
- Lack of assertiveness
- People pleasing
- Feelings of self-doubt
- Super self-conscious
- Feelings of inadequacy
- Avoiding social gatherings
- Anxiety in social situations
- Lack of trust in other people
- Codependency or riding solo long-term (Both sides of the coin)
Exploring Codependency
Codependency is simply relationship addiction.
No matter how toxic the relationships can be, when you have codependency, you are going to stay in long-term relationships until you find another one to jump into. People who are codependent have an irrational fear of being single. They literally feel as though if they become single, they will just die. Therefore, they will put up with the worst of the worst behaviors in order to stay “in relationships.”
People with codependency lack boundaries and find it hard to set boundaries with others, especially in interpersonal relationships. However, you can have codependent relationships with family and friends, too. You know the one brother who lets everyone walk all over him and will let you sleep on his couch for five months because he doesn’t want confrontation and can’t stand his ground?
Yep. It doesn’t have to be romantic relationships only. If you have a codependency issue, it will undoubtedly roll over into the other areas of your life, including with your childnre, if you are not careful.
People with codependency rely on the other person or other people for their own happiness. I simply have to make sure that you are happy to feel like I am a good person.
This is why this type of issue can spill over into your parenting if you don’t heal it. The sort of hoovering mother who thinks that if her child is not occupied 24/7 with fun things to do, somehow she is failing as a mother? That’s not at all true. Kids need to be bored. Boredom is when their imaginations come out, and that’s how they develop their right brain skills, so LET THEM BE BORED!
Stop throwing screens in their hands. If you must use technology, throw them onto a desktop and teach them how to type properly and use a mouse. Maybe they should learn to code software so they can use these skills when they grow up to become freelancers or software developers—something useful with their lives. Tablet skills are never on the “Skills required for this job” board.
If you have codependency and you’re brave enough to be single for a moment, it’s crucial to work on healing the codependency. This way, you can avoid it manifesting in a different close relationship. Setting healthy boundaries is key to this process, empowering you to take control of your relationships.
Similarities Between AVPD and Codependency
So, what do AVPD and codependency have in common, then? More than you would initially think, considering they sound almost like opposite issues, right? However, they are both marked by a big fear of rejection, low self-esteem, people-pleasing behavior, and avoiding conflict at all costs.
But let’s dig a bit deeper, shall we?
Let’s dive into the root causes because once you figure out where something develops, you can properly heal it. This understanding can bring a sense of relief, knowing that healing is possible by facing the issues head on and working to change your thinking and behaviors, not just masking your symptoms with prescription drugs.
How Does AVPD Develop?
Ok, so how does AVPD develop?
AVPD’s roots can be traced back to childhood, as most things do. Many believe it starts in infancy. This is how you were treated as a little baby. So, if mom and dad meet the baby’s needs and feed and change them properly and on a predictable schedule, the baby learns to trust them. The baby learns that their needs are going to be met, so life is good. But what happens when there is inconsistency in childcare?
Like in families who have addictions or narcissism or other issues in the environment, the baby may receive inconsistent care. Perhaps mom drinks too much and sleeps late in the mornings, so the baby has to cry for an hour to get fed on those mornings.
Or maybe the baby is passed between two or three different houses or daycares, and every caregiver responds differently to the child’s cries. Now, this baby learns that they can’t trust their caregivers, right? Because some days, their needs are not met in time or at least in a consistent pattern or routine.
Now, the baby learns this about people: I can’t trust others to meet my needs. And lo and behold, AVPD is born.
Now, let’s say that as a baby, you were given consistent care, and everything was great. However, as a toddler, you are not getting the proper care you deserve. Let’s say your parents got divorced, so when you are at mom’s house, you are played with and paid attention to and play board games and work puzzles, and it’s all fun and happy.
Then you go to Dad’s house next week, and he is busy with work all the time, so he shoves a video game console in your hand, and you’re left to entertain yourself for the weekend.
Or even better, he gets a new woman, and she has her own kids, and you are treated like Cinderella was. Now you learn that you can’t trust caregivers right because it isn’t consistent. Emotional neglect is real to children, so just because you are there and providing a roof and food doesn’t mean that they are receiving the emotional fulfillment that they need for their child’s development process to happen properly.
How Does Codependency Develop?
So, how does codependency develop?
Codependency can develop in many ways. One similar way that it can develop is again in childhood. So let’s say that a child has to grow up too fast and help care for one of their parents as a kid. This could be for many reasons.
Maybe the mother is on antipsychotics that make her sleep all day, so the children have to entertain themselves or even feed themselves. Or maybe they have to actually help to take care of mom or dad. Maybe Dad falls out drunk on the living room floor every so often, so the kid covers him up with a blanket or brushes his hair out for him at night.
While these things may not look super severe, a child is being robbed in one way or another of properly being a child. So, if a child has to care for their parents or even for another sibling, they may grow up to develop codependency. The same goes for chaotic environments. If mom and dad argue a lot or fight or break stuff.
The kid grows up in a chaotic environment, never knowing what to expect; they too may grow up to develop codependency. This is especially true if the parents themselves are codependent or have addictions. As I stated earlier, codependency is simply a different form of addiction.
Differences Between AVPD and Codependency
So, let’s look at how AVPD and codependency are different. People who have AVPD may stay single for much longer than people who are codependent. AVPD people typically withdraw, while people who are codependent lose themselves in the other person.
The Link Between AVPD and Codependency
So, what is the link between AVPD and codependency?
How does someone who avoids socializing wind up in a codependent relationship? Well, because of the fear of socializing that someone with AVPD has, they will go out of their way to stay in a toxic relationship. They also have a hard time setting boundaries because they are non-confrontational. So, this is how someone with AVPD becomes codependent!
It’s like they are so scared to go out there and start over, so they get comfortable with the toxic relationship that they are in. I’m just going to keep putting up with this abuse because I don’t want to have to start over and date again and do all of that stuff that I’m afraid of. I don’t like rejection, so I’ll just stay here and be miserable.
AVPD and Codependency Are Not Life Sentences
If you are dealing with AVPD or codependency or BOTH, it can be challenging to live with. The good news is that you can dive deep into your past, discover what caused it, and learn to heal. You can start by setting healthy boundaries with people and stop being a people pleaser. While all of this stuff is not easy, you can reach out to a codependency coach for help.
I’ve been there, and I know how to help you break free from codependency as I’ve done it myself. Reach out for a free discovery call today, and let’s Unleash Your Healing Vibes.