Are you dealing with a narcissist? Are you wondering if maybe you are being gaslighted? If you are dealing with gaslighting, it can really mess with your feelings of self-doubt. But the good news is that you can notice the signs of gaslighting and get away!
Well, this article is going to cover 10 signs of gaslighting so that you can decide if you are being gaslighted. So, let’s dive into the top 10 signs of gaslighting now.
1. Projection
One of the top signs of gaslighting is going to be projection. Oh boy, this is usually one of the first red flags that you are going to experience, so this is why I want it on top of the list.
So, what is projection? Projection is a defense mechanism where someone knows that they feel negative emotions or attitudes and turns it onto you like a mirror instead.
For example, if someone tells you that you are nothing but a liar, but you have never lied to them, this is projection. They know that they are, in fact, a liar, but they don’t want to admit it to themselves, so they will project that trait onto you.
This was one of the very first red flags that I saw and completely let go of, and you know why? As I studied psychology, I was like, “Aw, he must have had a tough childhood growing up and learned to use projection as a defense mechanism. Poor thing. I will help him heal.”
HAHA
If you ever catch yourself thinking this, here’s my advice to you.
You can’t heal anyone. Even as a spiritual coach, I can’t heal anyone; I can’t make you do the work. I can only hold space. So, if you find an unhealed person who is projecting or gaslighting you, you are not going to be able to heal them. They would need to heal themselves on their own, and so you should run away and see if they ever heal first, and then maybe consider talking to them or getting into a long-term relationship.
Let me tell you. Over the next 8-ish years or so, on and off as these types of relationships go, I suffered through tons of abuse and was even diagnosed with PTSD from all of the physical, emotional, and mental abuse that I put up with from a gaslighter. So, did I heal him?
Nope, but I’m still working on healing myself from it, so save yourself some years and learn to notice these signs, and don’t dismiss them because you feel sorry for their childhood. We all had childhood stuff that went on, come on now, but the issue is there are people out there who have done the work and healed themselves and are capable of loving you, and there are people who haven’t, and you need to be able to tell the difference. You can’t really do this until you have healed yourself first and learned to set healthy boundaries with others.
2. Minimization
The next of the top 10 signs of gaslighting is minimization. This is another defense mechanism that will drive you crazy. Minimization is playing down the situation, how you feel, or what happened.
So, for example, let’s say that they got drunk and choked you, and it was the first time that they ever laid hands on you. You want to talk about it with them to see if maybe they will never ever do it again, right?
It was just one time, and they had a lot of whiskey. However, when you bring it up the next morning, they say something like,” Choked you? Oh, you’re crazy. I was only playing with you rough. Can’t you take it?”
See how a serious offense has now been turned into wrestling play?
If you are being gaslighted, you may even think back and question it yourself?! Especially if they gave you some makeup sex, right? “Oh, maybe I am overreacting? “
NO. You Aren’t. RUN.
3. Denial
Another one of the big 10 signs of gaslighting is denial. I’m starting to think that gaslighters use all of the defense mechanisms—well, at least all the basic ones. Okay, so the big gaslighting tactic is denial. Deny. Deny. Deny.
A gaslighter is going to deny they said anything or did anything, even if you have video evidence. Even if they were arrested for the crime the night before, they are still going to deny that it happened. Even if they were caught on film AND arrested the night before, they are still going to deny that it occurred at all.
” That never happened.”
“I never did that.”
“I didn’t say that.”
So, if you are dealing with a gaslighter who keeps denying that things even happened, then you know it is probably only going to get worse, not better.
4. Shifting Blame
One of the top 10 signs of gaslighting is that they will shift blame onto you. This is a bit different than projection. With blame-shifting, they may even admit that they did something wrong, but it will be because of you. However, for the most part, they will avoid any responsibility for their behavior.
So, for example, say that they got rude and aggressive with you out at dinner somewhere. When you go home, they will be like, “Why do you want to constantly try to argue in public? Are you trying to find another man?” “You are always way too sensitive and take things the wrong way, I never said (fill in the blank.)
So, by putting blame on you, they are trying to convince you that you are the one who overreacted, not them. They weren’t abusive; you made them hit you. They weren’t being rude; you were.
5. Use What You Love Against You
A good gaslighter will always try to use what you love against you. So, if you are a mom or dad and you obviously care about your child, then they will question your parenting. They will criticize your parenting to make you question whether you are a good mom or dad or not.
Or say that you are working from home. A gaslighter will criticize your working ability, especially if they are interested in you quitting.
If you don’t have any money of your own, they can swoop in with that financial control, which will give them so much more control over you.
A person who loves and cares about you will never try to tell you that you are not a good parent or that you can’t do your job right.
This is only a gaslighting tactic—don’t fall for it!
6. Isolation
Another one of the 10 signs of gaslighting is that they will work to isolate you from everyone else. Gaslighters will isolate you so that you have no one to turn to and rely on them for whatever they want you to.
If you feel that you are being rude to them because you want to spend time with your friends and family, there’s a good chance they are gaslighting you to feel this way.
So, for example, they could say things like, “You don’t need to go see your mother—she’s not good for you to be around because she’s so negative.” “Don’t go out with that friend tonight; all she does is stare at me. She wants me, and you know it.”
A gaslighter will try to separate you from anyone in your life, and a truly loving relationship is not going to do that. In fact, healthy relationships need time apart to thrive and miss each other.
7. Passive-Aggressive Jabs
Another easy-to-spot one of the top 10 signs of gaslighting is passive-aggressive jabs. Passive-aggressive jabs are often like back-handed compliments. So, for example, they may say things that sound like it’s a compliment, but not really.
“You are so pretty with makeup.” So, without makeup, I’m not pretty? “The chicken last night actually tasted pretty good, babe.” So my cooking every other night doesn’t taste good?
A gaslighter will use these passive-aggressive tactics when you are with other people, too. So they may use a jab like this when you are all at dinner and encourage your friends to laugh at you.
See, if someone really cares about you, they will not try to hurt your feelings subtly. In fact, in healthy relationships, there’s healthy communication. So, if you have done something to upset your significant other in a healthy relationship, they will sit down and tell you exactly what you did to hurt them. Not at fou8r months to get you back in some weird passive-aggressive way.
8. They Try to Change How Others View You
Another good gaslighting sign is that they will try to change how others perceive you. This goes hand in hand with isolation, but a bit differently. So a gaslighter is going to try to paint you out as a bad person, so when you tell your friends and family about the bad things that they actually do, they are not going to even listen. This is their goal.
So, a gaslighter will talk with your father about how you always blow things out of proportion. So in front of your father he will press your buttons to get you to go off so that they can be like see, I told you she takes everything to extremes.
Then, when they actually do something horrible to you, your own father may be like well, maybe honey, you are blowing things out of proportion a bit, hmm??”
AHH, this is infuriating! If you are going through this gaslighting technique, run far away and change all your contact details!
9. Love-Bombing or Other Narcissistic Tactics
One of the top 10 signs of gaslighting is love bombing. Okay, so what is love bombing? Love bombing is the stage in which someone showers you with love, affection, and gifts and makes you feel pretty good about yourself for a while.
However, then they will start to withhold all of these things: flowers, compliments, and even sex. Then you’ll be so confused that you will try everything possible to get the love bombing back, right?
Now, since they withheld their affections, you are going out of your way to please them just for some crumbles of affection.
Love bombing is a typical gaslighter behavior, but they also may try other narcissistic things too.
10. Question Your Memory
One of the top 10 signs of gaslighting is that they will question your memory. They will say you must not remember that clearly and things like that. They will certainly try to make you doubt your own recollections. Let me tell you what else: if you drink AT ALL, even if it is only a little bit or only once in a great while, they will definitely tell you that you were drunk and that whatever you said didn’t happen.
“You may want to cut back on your drinking because that didn’t happen.”
“You are remembering that wrong, crazy.”
“You were drunk. Wow, what a fool.”
If the gaslighter can convince your family or friends or even your kids that your memory is declining, oh boy do they have control over you now.
BONUS SIGN: They Call You “Crazy”
One of the number one tall tell signs that you are dealing with a gaslighter is that they will call you “crazy.” Oh, if they do this, you know they are a gaslighter. Let me explain to you why this is. This is gaslighting 101.
They know if they call you crazy to everyone, you know that no one is going to believe you when you tell them the horrible things that the gaslighter does.
They want you even to question your own sanity. So when they pull the “crazy card,” know that it is because they are going to start treating you horrifically and don’t want anyone out there to believe you.
Codependency Coaching Could Help You
Alright, there you have it, the top 10 signs of gaslighting. If you notice any of these, especially if many of these behaviors are going on in your relationship, you could be dealing with a gaslighter. Often, we put up with gaslighting when we are in codependent or trauma-bonded relationships.
Believe me, I know firsthand.
However, I have also healed my codependency and have been single for over four years now, and I will never tolerate this type of behavior again.
If you want to have some additional help with your relationships and you think that you may be codependent, then reach out for a free discovery call today.
My UNLEASH program will help you get over codependency and heal and set healthy boundaries so that you don’t ever have to deal with this gaslighting crap again.
PS: Grab my free 5-day shift challenge to start your own healing work on codependency today here.